A lot of weddings will take place this month. Did you know that there are more weddings in June than any other month? Did you ever wonder why? The tradition has been around since the Roman Empire. June is named after the Roman goddess Juno, who was considered to be the protector of women in all aspects of life, but especially in marriage and in childbirth.
A wedding is the public ceremony where two individuals agree to their commitment to each other… until they don’t. Unfortunately, one-third of marriages end in divorce. Fortunately, that statistic is down from one-half. As a society, we’re getting a little better at being more compassionate and forgiving of our spouses.
A lot of thought and effort goes into creating a wedding ceremony. There are many traditions and many cultures. And there is also a sense of individuality expressed in the ceremony. Couples spend months of their lives and thousands of dollars of their financial energy to create the spectacle that is a wedding. Don’t get me wrong. I love weddings. And I’ve had the great pleasure to be the officiant performing the wedding ceremony. But…marriage is not about the wedding ceremony! Not at all. It would be more beneficial if couples gave as much attention to the details and planning of a marriage.
Marriage is about agreements. All relationships are about agreements. Two people make agreements with each other about how the relationship will be. They decide what roles they will play; and how and when they will play those roles. Behavior is agreed upon. Limits are set. Responsibilities are negotiated. People decide how to have disagreements and solve problems. If not, there may be resentment or anger or jealousy. Individuals decide what is acceptable and what is not. In every relationship, there is a “deal breaker”…if one of the individuals does the unacceptable. And then a new agreement must be negotiated which allows for healing and growth. If not, the relationship will suffer and eventually come to an end.
Each one of us learns about marriage from what we witness from our own parents and extended family. Society and religious traditions tell us more. We learn about expectations, duties, authority. We are taught and subconsciously programmed about relationships; the way things are. If we are fortunate, we learn about love, compassion, understanding and acceptance. But not all of us are fortunate. Some of us learned about relationships from parents who failed at it. So some of us learned how to fail.
A marriage is a partnership contract. Marriage is a choice you make every day…over and over…and that choice is reflected in how you treat each other. It is a commitment to value your marriage above your own interests. A marriage is like its own separate entity, almost like a company where you both work as equal partners. When the employee gives care and attention to their job, the company thrives. When the company thrives, it is able to support the employee’s needs. The marriage, just like the company, has needs to be fulfilled.
Just like everything else in life, how we behave in a marriage is how we are taught to behave; how we are expected to behave; how we agree to behave. And our behavior is based on the past programming and perceptions of our individual subconscious mind. The behavior and character of a marriage is based on the past programming of two subconscious minds and their ability to understand and support each other’s behaviors and beliefs. This is not an easy task!!! However it is a task that is well worth learning and perfecting.
As we enter the month of June, I invite you to think about your own marriage whether you’re in it now, have been in it and left it, or hope to be in it. Consider the agreements you’ve made. Consider if they are serving both individuals as well as the marriage. Or consider how and why the agreements didn’t serve. Consider how you may make a new agreement or a new commitment to make the marriage stronger. Think about how a new relationship may benefit from what you learned in the past. We all become stronger, better and wiser within relationships. It creates contrast and conflicts and helps us to see things from another’s perspective. Our partners encourage us to be more. They inspire us and challenge us to grow. Our partners also support us, make us laugh and share our life experience. Marriage is worth the effort. As a June bride, having spent more than four decades in a relationship, I can happily attest to that.